my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't turn off my feet"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
