Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
