Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
