Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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