Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
