My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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