Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
