That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
