I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
