Me. At least after what I've been through.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
