I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
