I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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