Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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