My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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