I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Randomize
