You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
