she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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