for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
