I should be sponsored by Trojan
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The Olympian is in my bed
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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