4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
