My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
MIDGETS
????
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
