you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
