I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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