My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
