Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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