Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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