It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
