AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
