No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
