So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
