Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
