I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
