dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
