people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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