you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
