look no pants
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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