waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
