I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
