He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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