watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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