yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
