What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
