paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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