Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
