I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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