im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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