at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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