Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
