i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
