I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
