I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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