I'm so fucking centered right now
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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