I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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